People like YOOOUUUUU:
Think that the devil lives in some sort of condo down in Florida!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of houseboat just drinking daiquiris and listening to Jimmy Buffet!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of abandoned railroad car just travelling from state to state, eating sardines out of a can and telling stories to strangers and petting a scraggly little dog that he has!
Think that the devil lives in some sort of magical hot air balloon kingdom where he just zooms around on a Segway scooter and watches soap operas and does sudoku!
Think that the devil lives in a rundown laundry detergent factory where he just eats candy canes out of a box that he has and he writes short stories and twirls his hair!
Think that the devil is some stowaway on Paul Simon’s tour bus just traveling across America and eating Teddy Grahams and when people fall asleep, spitting them in their ears!
Think that the devil lives on some jewel encrusted surfboard just floating in the middle of a wave pool, reading romance novels and thinking about boys!
Think that the devil lives on a Hollywood movie studio set that’s made to look like a World War II fighter jet and he just lounges around all day getting baked and calling his friends and hanging up on them!
Abraham Lincoln was actually hammered in the ass so much that he died from being hammered in the ass.
— Timmy, Abe Lincoln sketch (via wkukquotes)
Firing squad commander: Do you have any last words?
Frank Rosenthorpe: Yes. Just three.
Man: Listen, I'm a very wealthy man!
Jerry Bronham: Wealthy men mean good lawyers, Bob! The decision's getting easier all the time!
Man: I have children! I have three sons at home!
Jerry Bronham: Three sons grow up to be three grown men, Bob! Grown men with vendettas against their father's murderer!
Man: Help! Jesus!
Jerry Bronham: Uh oh, Bob, he's getting Jesus involved! Better hurry, it takes Jesus 4.5 seconds to get to earth!
I thought you were a pizza /
But you were just my heartbreak /
Insects and erotic fruit /
My head is a hammer!
— Trent Reznor sketch (via wkukquotes)
Suck my presidential cock, bitch! You fatass piece of shit! You tub-of-lard lookin’ motherfucker!
— Abe Lincoln sketch (via wkukquotes)